I am a Heart Mom: Guest Post by Annie Brogan

February 8, 2012

We would like to Welcome Annie Brogan, a Heart Mom and a new Featured Author. This is Annie’s first blog post with Mended Little Hearts and I think it is perfect for CHD Awareness Week. We look forward to reading more of Annies thoughts on life as a Heart Mom!

Annie Brogan is the wife of a pastor and the mom of three children…two jobs she feels highly unqualified to be working!  Prior to trading in her high heels for a vacuum, Annie taught ESL in an ethnically diverse county in Northern Virginia.  Now she stays home in an attempt to care for her family, and blogs in her free time.  Annie is currently working on a book that documents the journey she has had raising a child with a severe heart defect.  Since she just found out that she’s pregnant with #4, the book may not be completed in this decade.  You can follow her struggles and triumphs at www.anniebrogan.com.

I am a heart mom.

I have felt, at a twenty-week ultrasound,  floorboards cracking and giving way under my jumping, celebrating feet as the words  Congratulations, it’s a girl were chased away all too quickly with There is something wrong with your baby’s heart.

I know the torment of wondering, wrestling, combating a viscous voice that whispers…This is all my fault

I know the pain of weeping in my husband’s arms after a baby shower, unsure if my baby would ever wear her new clothes.

I am a heart mom.

I know the fear of labor pains in a cold room, deep groanings of the unknown drawing near.

I have given birth for an audience of twenty doctors in a room quiet and solemn.

I have watched my baby–still wet and fresh–plucked from my arms and ushered to a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where she would be sustained.

I have sat in a NICU with brittle, four-pound lives, warm under heat lamps like delicate plants, praying over my baby.

I have guarded my heart, afraid to love something I wasn’t so sure I could keep.

I am a heart mom.

I have held a baby with cords and wires and A-lines and tubes and all the while held my breath and my heart so it wouldn’t scrape.

I have pumped my milk throughout the night, throughout the day, in bathroom stalls, in parking lots, in dressing rooms, in public, in private, in the heat, in the cold…wishing I could give more than all that I had.

I have said goodbye to a daughter I just met so she could be delivered to a doctor who would stop her heart…in an attempt to make it whole.

I have endured waiting rooms painted white like faces bleached with fear.

A stomach that is so nervous it feels poisonous.

The shaking.  The waiting.  The surgery you can’t be there to control.

I am a heart mom.

I have felt the hand of a fighting life grab my finger and hold it…asking silently for me to lead her.

I have spent days that turn into nights on the seventh floor, all around me the Intensive Care Unit beeping and humming and pumping and upholding.

I have heard those sounds in my dreams.

I have sat in an intensive care unit while my baby lived and the baby on the other side of the curtain didn’t.

I have brought a baby home–so vulnerable and trusting–with a pulse-ox machine never far and CPR training notes posted high on the bulletin board.

I have sanitized people head to toe before letting them enter my home, missed Christmas parties, dinner parties, birthday parties because someone in attendance had sneezed, and have accosted strangers attempting to squeeze my baby’s little cheeks.

I have nurtured a bruised baby with scars in vulnerable places.

I have awoken in the middle of the night to the frantic words, “I’m taking her to the Emergency Room.”

I have watched her heal and witnessed the miracle of recovery.

I have fed her her first bites of food.

Watched her take her first steps.

Say her first words.

I have seen the power of prayer.

I am a heart mom.

And my world will never be the same.

5 Responses to I am a Heart Mom: Guest Post by Annie Brogan

  1. Kathy Broughton
    February 8, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Beautiful, gorgeous poem that brings me to tears every time I read it. Thank you for so eloquently putting into words experiences I will never forget.

  2. February 9, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    Thanks, Kathy! I appreciate the words of encouragement!

  3. February 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    Thanks for trusting me to be a guest blogger, guys! I’m happy to be here!

  4. Wendy
    February 11, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Being a heart mom is almost a special badge and is earned every day.

  5. Gina
    May 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    I am a heart mom too. Thank you for such a wonderful poem